Dear Mr. Colbert,

First of all, I believe that congratulations are in order. On Sunday night, you won the Grammy Award for Best Comedy Album of 2009, taking your rightful place alongside the likes of Jay-Z, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift in the pop pantheon. You looked simply radiant up there on that stage.

I’m writing to you, Mr. Colbert, with a modest request, one that I hope you will consider carefully. The University of Illinois is in a dire place and is facing some troubling times in the not-too-distant future. Furloughs, budget cuts, tuition hikes: this is the reality that we’re facing in Illinois.

The campus and university-wide leadership vacuum isn’t helping the situation, either. Our administration was recently dismantled by a series of revelations about an admissions process tainted by political clout and influence-peddling. It wasn’t pretty and we’re still trying to recover. The University of Illinois must remain vital, relevant and accessible throughout the 21st century, and to do so, we need a charismatic, innovative and vibrant leader. And that’s where you come in.

Mr. Colbert, my request is this: be our leader. Come to the University of Illinois, take up the mantle of President and start spreading your unique brand of wit, whimsy and wisdom across our three campuses.

This isn’t about politics nor is it about celebrity. This is about creating a secure, exciting future for higher education in Illinois. We need a special person, and as I will show, there’s no one better qualified for the job than you.

The way I see it, the primary duty of a university president is to be the institution’s cheerleader. You know, Mr. Colbert, you’d look wonderful with a set of orange pom-poms and a big blue I on your chest. The cartwheels and backflips can be learned on the job, but your skills as an awareness-raiser and a cause-promoter are already in place. You did it with wrist injuries, and you got your name on a treadmill at the International Space Station. Making the University of Illinois your next big project shouldn’t be too much of a stretch.

Our presidential search committee has indicated that the University’s future president ought to be a distinguished academic with a record of publication and acclaim to prove it. Well you’ve got that covered, Mr. Colbert. Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois awarded you a Doctorate of Fine Arts. Your book “I am America (And So Can You)” was a big hit, cementing your reputation as a respected author and political thinker. You’ve won numerous Peabody Awards, and have been honored as one of Time magazine’s 100 most influential people. In a University loaded with highly-respected academics, you and I both know that you could hold your own.

The president of the University of Illinois is also involved with our mildly successful Big Ten athletics program. As the U.S. Olympic Speedskating team’s primary benefactor and sponsor, you’re already more than qualified for those duties. Your brash, outspoken demeanor would fit right in at Assembly Hall. Maybe Bruce Weber would let you fill in for him when he takes his furlough days.

This institution was created in the Land of Lincoln, as a result of a stroke of Lincoln’s pen. His Morrill Land Grant Act ensured that a fine legacy of higher education would be planted in this state.

You’re familiar with this, Mr. Colbert, you received your diploma from our in-state rival, Northwestern University, and began your career at the Second City theatre in Chicago. The contributions that you can make to Lincoln’s state and Lincoln’s university are immense.

We could use some truthiness here in Urbana-Champaign, but we could also use some straight talk, which I know you could provide to us. I’m confident that you’d be comfortable laying the smack down on irresponsible politicians and unruly fraternities, while at the same time welcoming new students to campus and fostering sophisticated research. You’re our man, Mr. Colbert. Tonight’s word? I-L-L-I-N-I.

Jared is a junior in LAS.