2008 Woodie Awards
Illini Media
WPGU
buzz
Illio
TechnographColumn: We're just not that into you
By Bridget Sharkey
Posted: 2/8/05 Section: Opinions
After much clamoring from the public - ok, fine, one letter - I have decided to commence in writing the sequel to "The Dicks on this Campus." As some of you may recall, I did some heavy researching back in December when I conducted my study of the male species on this campus. Now, months later, I bring you yet more in-depth analysis of the men coagulating on this campus:
n Virgin O'Christ: This species of male can commonly be identified by his "Abreadcrumb and Fish" T-shirt and "In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned" bumper sticker. This boy loves God, and, boy, does God love him. In theory, this guy sounds like a very spiritual and enlightened young man. In practice, he is a twenty-two year-old virgin with an axe to grind...a very horny axe. Because he only listens to country and gospel, he tends to use antiquated phrases like "a woman's place is in the home" and "my wife better know how to cook." If you aren't looking to be married the day after tomorrow, you should probably let this Lazarus lie.
n Coke O'Romanticism: This particular species can commonly be confused with a mere pothead. However, upon closer examination of his track marks, you discover the real story. Blow, meth, heroin, acid, ecstasy-if he can buy it, sell it, or snort it, then it is generally somewhere in his front right-hand pocket. Also important to his image is his trademark romanticism. This kid doesn't just listen to the imagery within Poe and Portishead-he becomes them. He considers himself a "keeper of the lighthouse," "a prisoner in chains" and "a soldier of desire." The bottom line being of course is that all he does all day is masturbate to Maury amid Subway wrappers and bottles of Milwaukee's Best. If you can afford your own drugs and cable channels, you might not want to linger too long on this "corpse of a wandering star."
n Arrogant O'Republican: This young lad can be recognized by his clean-shaven face, ski gloves, and superior smirk. He has long since cast away any notions of modest or courteous behavior, believing instead that being rude and gruff makes him edgy and intelligent. He is also a modern man, prone to quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald and giving drunken odes on "fleeting youth." He openly spouts bigotry, including but not limited to, "Why is an Asian teaching an American Lit class?" and "I only find people who look like me attractive, but if other people date interracially, I won't complain." If you are attracted to dapper dandies such as Dorian Gray, you need look no further.
n Virgin O'Christ: This species of male can commonly be identified by his "Abreadcrumb and Fish" T-shirt and "In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned" bumper sticker. This boy loves God, and, boy, does God love him. In theory, this guy sounds like a very spiritual and enlightened young man. In practice, he is a twenty-two year-old virgin with an axe to grind...a very horny axe. Because he only listens to country and gospel, he tends to use antiquated phrases like "a woman's place is in the home" and "my wife better know how to cook." If you aren't looking to be married the day after tomorrow, you should probably let this Lazarus lie.
n Coke O'Romanticism: This particular species can commonly be confused with a mere pothead. However, upon closer examination of his track marks, you discover the real story. Blow, meth, heroin, acid, ecstasy-if he can buy it, sell it, or snort it, then it is generally somewhere in his front right-hand pocket. Also important to his image is his trademark romanticism. This kid doesn't just listen to the imagery within Poe and Portishead-he becomes them. He considers himself a "keeper of the lighthouse," "a prisoner in chains" and "a soldier of desire." The bottom line being of course is that all he does all day is masturbate to Maury amid Subway wrappers and bottles of Milwaukee's Best. If you can afford your own drugs and cable channels, you might not want to linger too long on this "corpse of a wandering star."
n Arrogant O'Republican: This young lad can be recognized by his clean-shaven face, ski gloves, and superior smirk. He has long since cast away any notions of modest or courteous behavior, believing instead that being rude and gruff makes him edgy and intelligent. He is also a modern man, prone to quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald and giving drunken odes on "fleeting youth." He openly spouts bigotry, including but not limited to, "Why is an Asian teaching an American Lit class?" and "I only find people who look like me attractive, but if other people date interracially, I won't complain." If you are attracted to dapper dandies such as Dorian Gray, you need look no further.
The Daily Illini encourages on-topic discussion through article commenting on its articles and blogs. It is our policy not to delete any comments based upon political or ideological point of view. However, we reserve the right to remove comments that are abusive, off-topic or use excessive foul language.
The posting of copyrighted material, including any and all content for which you are not the author, is illegal under Federal intellectual property laws. Such activity will not be tolerated. Comments containing copyrighted material will be removed, and continued violation of copyright law is grounds for being banned completely from commenting on DailyIllini.com.
If you feel any post meets these conditions or merits review, please e-mail our editors at meonline@dailyillini.com.