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TechnographRazor-sharp Halloween observations
By Scott Green
Posted: 10/31/07 Section: Opinion Columns
Aside from trick-or-treating, the other major Halloween activity is dressing up. One way to get a costume is to go to a seasonal Halloween retailer, where you will find a wide variety of options: Slutty cheerleader, slutty pirate, slutty maid, slutty nurse, slutty tax accountant, slutty secretary of state, respectable prostitute, etc.
According to Thorgsten V. Christberg, a professor in cultural studies, psycholinguistics and alchemy at probably Harvard or somewhere, "This particular oeuvre of 'slutty' costumes showcases the desire of an entire generation of young women to HOLY COW DID YOU SEE THE BAZONGAS ON THAT SLUTTY COP?"
We young people have become used to slutty costumes, ever since that seventh-grade Halloween party when that girl we never noticed before, the one who had secretly grown a pair of weapons-grade bosoms under a regimen of baggy sweatshirts, made a brief appearance dressed as a Hooters girl before she was expelled from the school district for making our classmates spontaneously combust.
But getting back to my point, you can buy your costume at a costume shop. The advantage to this is that you do not have to sew anything, although the disadvantage is that premade costumes are constructed with a fabric with the approximate thickness of mosquito boogers. This is especially cruel because it somehow always rains on Halloween, despite it also being below freezing. Meteorologists have devoted entire careers to this phenomenon but still have no answers.
Here is a fun costume idea I came up with that you can feel free to use: Wear a black stovetop hat, a fake beard, a black bow tie and a bustier with a copy of the Emancipation Proclamation tucked snugly in the cleavage. You are "Slutty Abraham Lincoln." This same principle can be applied to other important American historical figures: Benjamin Franklin, Dwight Eisenhower, Tiger Woods, etc.
(Warning: It will not work with everybody. For example, no amount of drag would make you "Slutty J. Edgar Hoover." You would just be "Regular J. Edgar Hoover.")
According to Thorgsten V. Christberg, a professor in cultural studies, psycholinguistics and alchemy at probably Harvard or somewhere, "This particular oeuvre of 'slutty' costumes showcases the desire of an entire generation of young women to HOLY COW DID YOU SEE THE BAZONGAS ON THAT SLUTTY COP?"
We young people have become used to slutty costumes, ever since that seventh-grade Halloween party when that girl we never noticed before, the one who had secretly grown a pair of weapons-grade bosoms under a regimen of baggy sweatshirts, made a brief appearance dressed as a Hooters girl before she was expelled from the school district for making our classmates spontaneously combust.
But getting back to my point, you can buy your costume at a costume shop. The advantage to this is that you do not have to sew anything, although the disadvantage is that premade costumes are constructed with a fabric with the approximate thickness of mosquito boogers. This is especially cruel because it somehow always rains on Halloween, despite it also being below freezing. Meteorologists have devoted entire careers to this phenomenon but still have no answers.
Here is a fun costume idea I came up with that you can feel free to use: Wear a black stovetop hat, a fake beard, a black bow tie and a bustier with a copy of the Emancipation Proclamation tucked snugly in the cleavage. You are "Slutty Abraham Lincoln." This same principle can be applied to other important American historical figures: Benjamin Franklin, Dwight Eisenhower, Tiger Woods, etc.
(Warning: It will not work with everybody. For example, no amount of drag would make you "Slutty J. Edgar Hoover." You would just be "Regular J. Edgar Hoover.")
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