Column: We're just not that into you

After much clamoring from the public - ok, fine, one letter - I have decided to commence in writing the sequel to "The Dicks on this Campus." As some of you may recall, I did some heavy researching back in December when I conducted my study of the male species on this campus. Now, months later, I bring you yet more in-depth analysis of the men coagulating on this campus:

n Virgin O'Christ: This species of male can commonly be identified by his "Abreadcrumb and Fish" T-shirt and "In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned" bumper sticker. This boy loves God, and, boy, does God love him. In theory, this guy sounds like a very spiritual and enlightened young man. In practice, he is a twenty-two year-old virgin with an axe to grind...a very horny axe. Because he only listens to country and gospel, he tends to use antiquated phrases like "a woman's place is in the home" and "my wife better know how to cook." If you aren't looking to be married the day after tomorrow, you should probably let this Lazarus lie.

n Coke O'Romanticism: This particular species can commonly be confused with a mere pothead. However, upon closer examination of his track marks, you discover the real story. Blow, meth, heroin, acid, ecstasy-if he can buy it, sell it, or snort it, then it is generally somewhere in his front right-hand pocket. Also important to his image is his trademark romanticism. This kid doesn't just listen to the imagery within Poe and Portishead-he becomes them. He considers himself a "keeper of the lighthouse," "a prisoner in chains" and "a soldier of desire." The bottom line being of course is that all he does all day is masturbate to Maury amid Subway wrappers and bottles of Milwaukee's Best. If you can afford your own drugs and cable channels, you might not want to linger too long on this "corpse of a wandering star."

n Arrogant O'Republican: This young lad can be recognized by his clean-shaven face, ski gloves, and superior smirk. He has long since cast away any notions of modest or courteous behavior, believing instead that being rude and gruff makes him edgy and intelligent. He is also a modern man, prone to quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald and giving drunken odes on "fleeting youth." He openly spouts bigotry, including but not limited to, "Why is an Asian teaching an American Lit class?" and "I only find people who look like me attractive, but if other people date interracially, I won't complain." If you are attracted to dapper dandies such as Dorian Gray, you need look no further.

n Metr O'Expressual: As evidenced by his name, this species of male enjoys shopping at Express and other fine stores. He can also be identified by his trademark expressions "Where did you get that skirt from? It's so cute!" and "I only tan because it makes me feel good about myself." While this in and of itself is only moderately annoying, he takes it to the next step by constantly gloating over his dance skills, his cooking talent, and his 2 percent body fat. These things, coupled with the fact that he quotes Mean Girls more than you do, make him a Queer Eye experiment gone wrong. If you already know how to fold cloth napkins into swans, pass up on this dubious investment.

Thus ends yet another insider's look at the males on this campus. I know it's not a pretty sight, but before you relapse into a Bridget Jones-esqe eating binge, consider the words of the wise man Silent Bob:

"You know, there's a million fine-looking men in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."

Here's to finding the ones who can make lasagna. Holla.

Bridget Sharkey is a senior in LAS. Her columns appear Tuesdays. She can be reached at opinions@dailyillini.com.After much clamoring from the public - ok, fine, one letter - I have decided to commence in writing the sequel to "The Dicks on this Campus." As some of you may recall, I did some heavy researching back in December when I conducted my study of the male species on this campus. Now, months later, I bring you yet more in-depth analysis of the men coagulating on this campus:

n Virgin O'Christ: This species of male can commonly be identified by his "Abreadcrumb and Fish" T-shirt and "In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned" bumper sticker. This boy loves God, and, boy, does God love him. In theory, this guy sounds like a very spiritual and enlightened young man. In practice, he is a twenty-two year-old virgin with an axe to grind...a very horny axe. Because he only listens to country and gospel, he tends to use antiquated phrases like "a woman's place is in the home" and "my wife better know how to cook." If you aren't looking to be married the day after tomorrow, you should probably let this Lazarus lie.

n Coke O'Romanticism: This particular species can commonly be confused with a mere pothead. However, upon closer examination of his track marks, you discover the real story. Blow, meth, heroin, acid, ecstasy-if he can buy it, sell it, or snort it, then it is generally somewhere in his front right-hand pocket. Also important to his image is his trademark romanticism. This kid doesn't just listen to the imagery within Poe and Portishead-he becomes them. He considers himself a "keeper of the lighthouse," "a prisoner in chains" and "a soldier of desire." The bottom line being of course is that all he does all day is masturbate to Maury amid Subway wrappers and bottles of Milwaukee's Best. If you can afford your own drugs and cable channels, you might not want to linger too long on this "corpse of a wandering star."

n Arrogant O'Republican: This young lad can be recognized by his clean-shaven face, ski gloves, and superior smirk. He has long since cast away any notions of modest or courteous behavior, believing instead that being rude and gruff makes him edgy and intelligent. He is also a modern man, prone to quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald and giving drunken odes on "fleeting youth." He openly spouts bigotry, including but not limited to, "Why is an Asian teaching an American Lit class?" and "I only find people who look like me attractive, but if other people date interracially, I won't complain." If you are attracted to dapper dandies such as Dorian Gray, you need look no further.

n Metr O'Expressual: As evidenced by his name, this species of male enjoys shopping at Express and other fine stores. He can also be identified by his trademark expressions "Where did you get that skirt from? It's so cute!" and "I only tan because it makes me feel good about myself." While this in and of itself is only moderately annoying, he takes it to the next step by constantly gloating over his dance skills, his cooking talent, and his 2 percent body fat. These things, coupled with the fact that he quotes Mean Girls more than you do, make him a Queer Eye experiment gone wrong. If you already know how to fold cloth napkins into swans, pass up on this dubious investment.

Thus ends yet another insider's look at the males on this campus. I know it's not a pretty sight, but before you relapse into a Bridget Jones-esqe eating binge, consider the words of the wise man Silent Bob:

"You know, there's a million fine-looking men in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."

Here's to finding the ones who can make lasagna. Holla.

Bridget Sharkey is a senior in LAS. Her columns appear Tuesdays. She can be reached at opinions@dailyillini.com.After much clamoring from the public - ok, fine, one letter - I have decided to commence in writing the sequel to "The Dicks on this Campus." As some of you may recall, I did some heavy researching back in December when I conducted my study of the male species on this campus. Now, months later, I bring you yet more in-depth analysis of the men coagulating on this campus:

n Virgin O'Christ: This species of male can commonly be identified by his "Abreadcrumb and Fish" T-shirt and "In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned" bumper sticker. This boy loves God, and, boy, does God love him. In theory, this guy sounds like a very spiritual and enlightened young man. In practice, he is a twenty-two year-old virgin with an axe to grind...a very horny axe. Because he only listens to country and gospel, he tends to use antiquated phrases like "a woman's place is in the home" and "my wife better know how to cook." If you aren't looking to be married the day after tomorrow, you should probably let this Lazarus lie.

n Coke O'Romanticism: This particular species can commonly be confused with a mere pothead. However, upon closer examination of his track marks, you discover the real story. Blow, meth, heroin, acid, ecstasy-if he can buy it, sell it, or snort it, then it is generally somewhere in his front right-hand pocket. Also important to his image is his trademark romanticism. This kid doesn't just listen to the imagery within Poe and Portishead-he becomes them. He considers himself a "keeper of the lighthouse," "a prisoner in chains" and "a soldier of desire." The bottom line being of course is that all he does all day is masturbate to Maury amid Subway wrappers and bottles of Milwaukee's Best. If you can afford your own drugs and cable channels, you might not want to linger too long on this "corpse of a wandering star."

n Arrogant O'Republican: This young lad can be recognized by his clean-shaven face, ski gloves, and superior smirk. He has long since cast away any notions of modest or courteous behavior, believing instead that being rude and gruff makes him edgy and intelligent. He is also a modern man, prone to quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald and giving drunken odes on "fleeting youth." He openly spouts bigotry, including but not limited to, "Why is an Asian teaching an American Lit class?" and "I only find people who look like me attractive, but if other people date interracially, I won't complain." If you are attracted to dapper dandies such as Dorian Gray, you need look no further.

n Metr O'Expressual: As evidenced by his name, this species of male enjoys shopping at Express and other fine stores. He can also be identified by his trademark expressions "Where did you get that skirt from? It's so cute!" and "I only tan because it makes me feel good about myself." While this in and of itself is only moderately annoying, he takes it to the next step by constantly gloating over his dance skills, his cooking talent, and his 2 percent body fat. These things, coupled with the fact that he quotes Mean Girls more than you do, make him a Queer Eye experiment gone wrong. If you already know how to fold cloth napkins into swans, pass up on this dubious investment.

Thus ends yet another insider's look at the males on this campus. I know it's not a pretty sight, but before you relapse into a Bridget Jones-esqe eating binge, consider the words of the wise man Silent Bob:

"You know, there's a million fine-looking men in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."

Here's to finding the ones who can make lasagna. Holla.